Does your project need a wordsmith?
My name is Kelly, and I’m the one you’re looking for!
I’m a freelance writer with plenty of range. I got my professional start composing cheeky, pun-filled dialogue for an adult-themed mobile game. I’ve spent the past two years striving to get published as often as possible, with the best, most offbeat ideas as possible, to as many different online platforms as possible (all while working as a social media manager.)
The pieces showcased in my portfolio were chosen because I believe they are the greatest examples of what I have to offer: originality, enthusiasm, wit, playfulness, an array of knowledge and just the right amount of weirdness!
Testimonials
Exerpts from my work
Shein Story
I totally get why it was so important for you to make this latest purchase. I understand the importance of having fun with fashion! I understand how looking like an extra in one of the club scenes from 2001’s ‘Save The Last Dance’ is the ultimate aesthetic goal for any young woman born in 2003! I may work 75 hours a week, but I’m still a 15- year- old girl.
Quote Source
I totally get why it was so important for you to make this latest purchase. I understand the importance of having fun with fashion! I understand how looking like an extra in one of the club scenes from 2001’s ‘Save The Last Dance’ is the ultimate aesthetic goal for any young woman born in 2003! I may work 75 hours a week, but I’m still a 15- year- old girl.
Humour Writing
In the Winter of 2022, I began submitting pieces of comedy and satire writing to various websites. I did this to further hone my skills and get into the habit of coming up with new, inventive scenarios on a regular basis. Here’s some of the output I’m most proud of.
I’m The Child Who Made That Shein Dress You Ordered, And I Think You’ll Look Great!
EXCERPT
“When some of the other girls and I could steal a minute or two for ourselves, we’d hide out by one of the corridors or stairways that were usually blocked by boxes, crates and heaps of fabric, and we’d imagine the kind of aughties hottie who would wear such a dress! Oh, how wonderfully such daydreams distracted us from thoughts of what would happen if a fire broke out in the building!My little brother also gets to have a job, but it’s at a glass factory and it isn’t nearly as interesting to imagine what kinds of people get what kinds of glass. I really am lucky! Believe it or not, there’s even a chance that I’ll come across your exact, specific dress again someday in the near future — there’s no telling what one will find in the landfills!”
Entire Planet Breathes A Sigh of Relief Over Downfall of Weird-Ass Disney Adult
EXCERPT
“It wasn’t yet August when authorities received several calls concerning a nude woman skipping and twirling down the street. She was also singing — Disney songs, according to witnesses. Dory Appleton got loaded into the back of a police cruiser, which arrived on the scene. In the recording from the backseat camera, she’s wrapped in a blanket given to her by the arresting officers and shouting at them to drive faster. “We must make haste before this coach is a pumpkin once more!” she bleats. Appleton has remained institutionalized for nearly three months."
Kylie Jenner Reads Dune
EXCERPT
“I picked up the copy of Dune I had in my lap and held it up to my phone camera.
“Oh. It’s Tim’s movie.” Kendall remarked. “It’s set in space, right? Like Star Wars?”
I nodded.
“Is it based on a true story like Star Wars was?”
“Star Wars is fiction, Kendall.”
“The newer Disney ones are, duh! But I’m talking about the original trilogy. Ask Tim! He’ll tell you!”
“Well, irregardless, Star Wars can’t be compared to the Dune universe. It may also take place in space, but in Dune, there’s an all-desert planet, there’s a magical brother and sister, and the MC finds out he’s related to the bad guy. It’s way different!”
I, Your Welsh Horse Skeleton Girlfriend, Regret Accepting Your Invitation to the Family Christmas Function
EXCERPT
“I told you I wouldn’t gel with them as your ex did. She was a color consultant! Of course, everybody loved her! What am I?? Just an anthropomorphized hobby horse from South Wales, that’s what. “What do you do for a living, dear?” Oh, I’m part of a charming Yuletide tradition where I, a bedecked horse skull, go house to house with my friends and we sing at people to let us in!
How do you figure that’ll translate over here, babe?! Everybody whispering to one another, “That one is a complete freak! AND she’s only a seasonal worker!!”
Creative Fiction
While the fiction pieces I’ve had published so far are mostly extensions of my humour writing, I have written more serious stories with more sobering themes which I do hope see the light of day eventually. Even in these light-hearted ventures, however, my ability to fashion distinct characters, build a narrative and concoct twists is clear.
Sonnets for Senior Sirens
EXCERPT
“And how about that teacher we had? The octopus?” adds Sab. “The one with the big head. Wasn’t he so weirdly touchy-feely with the female students?” “Ugh,” I groan. “He was gross. If his class wasn’t enough to fill your gills with bile, all the trident talk among the guys in our grade certainly was! They were forever comparing them—”Well, mine is longer than yours!”, “Yeah, but mine has sharper prongs!” I swear, they were obsessed. I’d never thought about mermen’s tridents half as often as the mermen themselves did. Countless methods for successfully catching fish, but they really made their tridents the be-all and end-all! Made a manatee out of a mollusk!”
The Goose, the Karen and the Catchpole
EXCERPT
“Mother Goose was the theme of this month’s Story Hour. Ergo, sir, there was a goose! I was to read nursery rhymes aloud to the children — The Cat and the Fiddle, Mary Mary Quite Contrary. All the hits. The goose would join me as a companion. I arranged for him and me to have matching bonnets; I made Esperanza find a good one for Sneezewort online and order it. It came from a shop for small dog costumes, but the sizes worked for geese, too. The circumference of a goose’s head isn’t very different from a Schipperke. That was my estimation, anyway. Children are excited by the sight of live animals. It was supposed to be a special surprise! I thought Sneezewort would follow me into the Tulip Room and hunker down beside my chair while I read. Maybe he’d waddle around and explore a little. Maybe the children could pet him gently. Things did not go according to plan, obviously."
Reviews and analyses
Like most writers, I’m an avid reader and have been from a young age. I love to discuss and disassemblethe media I consume, and am always keeping an eye out for little-known gems, cult classics and eccentric authors to inspire me. The horror genre is of particular interest to me. Here are a couple of deep dives I enjoyed doing.
A Fountain of Blood in the Shape of a Girl: The Kaleidoscopic Themes of Junji Ito’s Tomie
“The trio of child-aged Tomies meeting each other for the first time is also great. The face-off, as a gale wind tosses the treetops to and fro, is stupidly dramatic. Imagining a townsperson, who’s not at all clued into what’s going on, simply stumbling across the tense staring competition is endlessly amusing. It would be like seeing the finale of The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, but Clint Eastwood had his hair in pigtails.”
READ →
The Girl in a Swing Is the Best Ghost Story You’ve Never Read
“The dark secret of the plot is alluded to incessantly, and it’s so satisfying in retrospect. The calculated accumulation of signs functions—ironically, as you’ll see—like a leaky faucet; it’s a steady, increasingly maddening drip-drip-drip of information. Such drips on a rock, over a long enough period, will erode it—will bore a hole right through the stone. And that is how the haunting in Girl feels; it’s a gradual, inevitable erosion. The spectre is a hole forming and widening in the world of our main characters— taking its time to do so but indisputably doing so.”
READ →Crystal Maidens Scripts
Crystal Maidens was a Nutaku mobile game that ended operations in the Fall of 2022. I was the main writer for this game from December 2020 to its cessation.
It was a sex comedy that took place in a fantasy/sci-fi setting with witches, vampires, demons, androids and pocket dimensions.
Each month, a special event was released that would be a spoof of a popular media franchise. These were my favourites.
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Crystal Maidens was an adult-themed RPG primarily geared toward a male demographic.The protagonist was meant to be a stand-in for the players; he was given no name and his face was never shown in the official artwork to make immersion easier. His (ie: your) goal was to save an island full of magical maidens from the tyranny of a dark wizard—and to have some fun while doing it!
Stories were always told from his POV, and there were two types of stories: Romances and Events. Romances were the main draw, wherein the player would get to meet and seduce a maiden. Events had a less strict formula, and involved longer, somewhat more elaborate narratives which served as a way to introduce new characters and add to the game's overall lore. Events focused less on sex and more on adventure, though NSFW puns, quips and gags were sprinkled throughout.
Events were always spoofs of popular IPs, usually ones we knew our base of players were fans of and would appreciate callbacks to and references from.
The dialogue for each script was written within a text box format so devs could plug it into the game more simply.
Lord Of The Rings
EXCERPT
“Helen: Yes, my lord! I feel it too—eyes on us!
Nuka swallows a mouthful of ale—she was the only one who actually ordered a drink; everyone else was too preoccupied to even consider it.
Breezily, as though utterly unconcerned about stealth, Nuka literally points at the table against the wall where you feel the eyes are coming from.
Nuka: There’s a pretty strange woman over there sitting all by herself—think it’s her?
Althea: Nuka!!! You silly kumquat, what are you doing????
Helen: Gods damn it, DON’T POINT! You’re gonna get us all KILLED.
Nuka: You guys all sound like you need A DRINK!"
READ →
Mad Max
EXCERPT
“Charlize: Take my hand if you want to live!
You and the maidens spend only a second exchanging glances before you dive into the woman’s car. She slams her foot on the gas and tears out of the town so fast that you and the maidens jolt backward, falling into each other like bowling pins.
You know better than to ask if the vehicle has any seat belts!
Brooke: You drive like a madwoman!!
Charlize: They don’t call me ‘Crazy’ Charlize Miller for nothing. Would you rather I pull up this instant and kick you all out??
Brooke: No, ma’am!!
Charlize: That’s what I THOUGHT. Now, I don’t care to hear anything else from the peanut gallery unless it’s ‘THANK YOU FOR SAVING US FROM PROBABLE CANNIBALISM, CHARLIZE’!"READ →
Supernatural
EXCERPT
“Sammy: It won’t be much longer til we hit Deathburg, that’s where the cemetery is that was last mentioned over the police scanner...
Mercy: You’d think a place with a name like that would be nothing BUT cemeteries!
Sammy: The problem there is teenagers.
Mercy: Teens are a problem EVERYWHERE— so annoying, always making you feel old and out of touch...
Sammy: It isn’t teens in general that are the problem—it’s murdered teens, specifically. All the victims so far in Deathburg have been teens, mostly all of them VIRGINS.”READ →
Mortal Kombat
EXCERPT
“Akira: I may not be a goddess anymore but I do still possess thousands of years of knowledge and the experience to back it up. You believed in me enough to join Team Terra and you should believe in me now! I have to try SOMETHING.
Akira: If we must go through with our match, one of us MUST die. You’re being watched with great suspicion now and you risk everything if you ‘go easy’ on me.
You refuse to ever kill Akira!
Akira: Are you the most stupid man alive????
Quite possibly. But your conscience would never allow you kill Akira; it would be wrong."READ →Ready to collaborate?
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