Crystal Maidens scripts

The Lord of the Rings spoof

Intro/Part 1

Sasha	When’s the last time you cleaned your ears, lad? I said PULL DOWN YOUR PANTS!
Sasha The Grey stands back up from her crouch, done with her exam of your erection—which stays hard as onyx, no matter who or what you stick it in.
Sasha	What you’ve got round your poor pecker is absolutely filthy with dark energy and I, unfortunately, know exactly what it is.
Well, what WAS it?? Why did it make you so insatiable??
Sasha	This bauble of ancient evil is known as the One Cockring. The legends speak of it as the ‘One ring to fuck them all and in the dark rooms bondage them’!
Sasha	The curse placed upon it is artful; it gives as it takes! The man unlucky enough to put it on will be granted astonishing sexual prowess—but it corrupts the wearer the longer that it’s worn!
Sasha	Desire will feel like torture, fucking will become a chore. The price of an eternal, beefy boner is enslavement to the Maker of The Ring!
And who in the hell was that? Where did you have to go to punch his lights out?
Sasha	Eons ago, the ring was made by the Dark Wizard’s mentor. He’s long dead, but could return if he were able to be reunited with his ring!
Sasha	No one other than the master blacksmiths understand how to reverse the effects, and they have been locked away within the terrible mountain of Mount Drool!
You’ll have to journey to Mount Drool, no matter how far away it is or how tough it is to get there. You won’t travel alone, you’ll bring along a kind of FELLOWSHIP with you!
Sasha	You have my well wishes! I would encourage you to bring only the maidens you’ve known the longest into your Fellowship; otherwise the temptation to lay together and sow the seeds of destruction may be too heady to ignore.
Sasha	I’ll connect with you and your friends later on—how about at the Prancing Pussy? A fine little tavern, in Glee.
But where will Sasha be going? Why not come with them now as they set off?
Sasha	I have business to attend to with a peer of mine first. I must update him on these recent events! He’s a fellow wizard by the name of Hornyman.
Sasha	Until we meet again, I implore you to stay off the main roads and keep a low profile!

Part 2

The tavern is low-ceilinged and smoky. Patrons are having a blast up at the bar, but the mood around your table is generally more guarded.
The hairs on the back of your neck stand on end because you get the uncomfortable sensation that you’re being watched.
Helen	Yes, my lord! I feel it too—eyes on us!
Nuka swallows a mouthful of ale—she was the only one who actually ordered a drink; everyone else was too preoccupied to even consider it.
Breezily, as though utterly unconcerned about stealth, Nuka literally points at the table against the wall where you feel the eyes are coming from.
Nuka	There’s a pretty strange woman over there sitting all by herself—think it’s her?
Althea	Nuka!!! You silly kumquat, what are you doing????
Helen	Gods damn it, DON’T POINT! You’re gonna get us all KILLED.
Nuka	You guys all sound like you need A DRINK!
As the girls bicker the mysterious woman from the other table rises from her chair, gliding out from the shadowy corner—and you recognize her!
Talia	My lord! I was sure that it was you who I spotted, hello.
You ask Talia what brings her to the Prancing Pussy—you hardly expected to see anyone you knew in this place.
Talia	The same thing that brought YOU here, I’d wager. I was invited here by Sasha the Grey, she’s an old friend of mine. We were to start a quest, concerning that cockring you’ve got stuck on you.
You and Talia are headed for the same destination! But Sasha is very late...
Talia	Something must have held her up. All we can do is hope it was nothing serious; word of the One Cockring travels fast, and there will be many factions coming after it all at once!
Talia	She wouldn’t want us to keep lingering for her. I recommend we head next for the Lesbian Sacred lands. The elves there would be a worthy council.
You agree whole-heartedly! However, after Nuka drains her tankard and you troop out of the tavern, you are waylaid by a group of dark mages.
They have tracked you down and are here to take possession of the ring!

Part 3

You awake after a restorative slumber. You dress, leave the chambers the solicitous elves have given you and run into Sasha! Stifling a yawn, you say good morning
Sasha	What do you mean when you say that? I mean, really? Is it that you want to WISH me a good morning or are you declaring it a good morning even if it isn’t something I want?
...What?? It’s too early for this! Sasha is honestly kind of weird.
Sasha	The look on your face tells me it mightn’t be the best time for riddles. Instead, can I please explain the reason for my lateness the other night? I promise it’s a very good reason!
Sasha recounts the recent alarming events from her trip to Hornyman’s base at More-Tongs tower.
Sasha	I’ve uncovered the One Cockring! It’s surfaced, as we’ve dreaded...But Hornyman, why is that you’ve taken to appearing as a buxom young filly when you ordinarily just look like a regular old man???
Hornyman	I forgot I was using THIS glamour! I was supposed to swap it before you arrived. The cat’s outta the bag now, I guess!
And here, the look-alike of the little witch Dawn morphed into THE DARK WIZARD! Sasha gasped and backed up.
Dark Wizard	That’s right, sister! It’s ME! And it’s been me all along! Well, for at least a year!
Dark Wizard	I’ve been disguising myself with magic as your colleague Hornyman! To gain intel! And now, because of you, I’ve gained the best intel of all. The cock with the One Cockring is out there and up for grabs!
You shudder, knowing that the Dark Wizard himself is now sniffing you out. How aware was he that it was YOU, specifically, who currently had the ring?
Sasha	Oh, very. Totally, actually. It’s wretched news, I know! I sold you out, but unintentionally. I was tricked!
Sasha	I really hope to make it up to you. The Dark Wizard tried to lock me up in the tower—to keep me from getting back to you. But as you can clearly see, he failed! It will take A LOT to get me to leave your side again.
Moreen	My lord, I appreciate you allowing me to shoehorn into your Fellowship. While you were sleeping a few of us formally decided that we’ll head out and destroy the ring.
Gretta	There’ll be Mount Drool to face, and probably a dragon. We’ll meet a dwarf or two and after what feels like an entire TRILOGY of novels, we’ll rid the world of this great evil!
All this discussion went on as you were sleeping? No one thought to shake you awake?
...Ok, sure. You think it all sounds fine. Will there not be some BIG MEETING or something, for extended debate? They would just...skip ahead to the next part already?
Sasha	Yep! We still have tons of story to cover, so no time to tarry!

Part 4

The shieldmaiden Moreen shares with you that she has a relative who runs a Bed & Breakfast within the caverns of Vulvia.
She hasn’t contacted this relative for a while, but she figures she would be good to call upon for supplies and sanctuary. However, upon reaching the establishment, you learn the sad news that Moreen’s relative has passed away.
Moreen	I wish I had tried reaching out to her sooner! We used to write letters so frequently, but had each gotten so busy in recent years...I didn’t even get to say a proper goodbye to her!
Beatrix	Don’t worry, blondie! My kin and I will have you reunited with you dear cousin in no time!
It’s the orc, Beatrix! And she hasn’t come alone—with her are several others of her kind. Why are they besieging you in this way?
Beatrix	Visions...we orcs have been experiencing more and more of them. They’ve grown more lurid with each passing day! ...It speaks to us in dreams. A voice in our minds, carried to us by the wind—from your cock to our ears.
Your cockring was communing with the orcs?? Under it’s influence, they found you to protect it!
Beatrix	You would have the One Cockring destroyed! Don’t lie to us, we can’t be deceived! The ring unveiled the truth to us!
Beatrix	The visions are a plea, it has chosen US to be its champion. It urges us to stop you—and we must obey!
Beatrix makes a beeline straight for you, lifting her massive axe above her head as if it weighed nothing.
Beatrix	Mayhaps before I cleave you in half, I can at long last give you that blow job you’ve always rebuffed! Since now it’s magically impossible for you to loose your erection on account of my TEETH!
Lilith	Fancy that! If it isn’t Sasha the Grey, from tales of old. Step aside, puny magician—that cockring WANTS me and I want it!!
Sasha	Lilith! Your own reputation precedes you—and you have about as much of a chance of getting that ring as you do of being mistaken for a housewife!
Lilith	So be it! If I have to go through you first, I’ll make sure you’re UNRECOGNIZABLE by the time I’m done with you!!

Part 5

Steel scrapes against steel all around you as the weapons of maidens and orcs interlock. While you and Beatrix duel, you catch fragments of Sasha and Lilith’s fight.
Their battle takes them to edge of a rimstone dam. Sasha flings crackling orbs of magical energy at Lilith but is driven to the very brink of the limestone rock. Her back is to the abyss!
With limestone crumbling under her feet, Sasha still manages to smile with conviction.
Sasha	Do your very worst, you twat! Try as you might, YOU...SHALL...NOT...FUCK!!!!
Lilith growls and flies up as high she can. She then dive-bombs headfirst, smashes into the ridge of rock with her curved horns and causes the entire structure to collapse!
Sasha starts to drop through the vast emptiness and Lilith gloms onto her; they wrestle and roll through the air together before both of them hit the water and are swallowed up by it!
You’re so stunned by this sight that you fail to notice that Beatrix stopped trying to play whack-a-mole with your head quite some time ago.
Moreen	MY LORD! Please, snap out of it! Beatrix and her clan have TAKEN Helen and Althea!
Gretta	We must rush if we’re to rescue them!
Nuka	Sasha would’ve approved of us prioritizing the rescue of our friends—let’s go!!

Part 6

These verdant woods are unfamiliar to you while being more well-known to the orcs, but you’ll follow any trail until it goes cold for Helen and Althea’s sake!
Talia	What’s that rustling??
Moreen	Relax, maybe it’s just a bear.
Talia	JUST a bear??!
It grows louder as it gets closer. A large bush shivers—something is emerging from it!!
Sasha	Phew! A sturdy little bastard, that bush. Charming woods, though!
Nuka	SASHA! You’re alive!!!
Sasha	Of course I’m alive, you pretty dingbat! At most, I’m just more of a Sasha the Green at the moment because of all these leaves still stuck to me!
Sasha	A little birdie tells me that those orc brutes captured some of your girls!
You tell her that is correct, while wondering how high the chances are that a LITERAL bird somehow passed this information along to her.
Sasha	Never fear—my third eye has 20/20 vision. It can see ahead much farther than my other two. It can even allow me a kind of aerial view! Follow me!
You do as Sasha says until she gives you a signal to halt. She puts a finger to her mouth to instruct you to stay quiet. Nuka’s brows jump up as she sees something.
She says nothing—but does point. And when you look in the direction she’s pointing in, you see the orcs!
Before you can pounce, a gnarled root that you were standing near rears up out of the earth! It encircles your ribcage and starts to constrict.
Gretta shoots an arrow into it. The giant tree that the root appears to belong to groans in surprised pain and the root temporarily retracts.
Sasha	Trees! They can be so sensitive! We must have offended this one somehow!
The fracas is causing the orcs to start curiously glancing over. Your cover is blown!!

Part 7

Talia	Moreen, you said you MAY have recognized this abandoned fortress—are you SURE we’ll be safe in here?
Moreen	It’s gotta be safer than running around out there, exposed. With the orcs on our tail—and the TREES!
Gretta	We killed trees before that last one—we could definitely kill more!
Nuka	Oooh, I’ve never liked when we’ve killed TREES! Not even when they’re trying to kill US!
Sasha	There, there. The situation with that last tree really was an unfortunate misunderstanding!
Wait!! You tell the girls to hush up—you hear the orcs clomping around right outside.
You press an ear against the doors and strain to overhear some conversation when—CLANG!—someone bangs against the wood from the outside.
Beatrix	I SMELL you in there! Will you come out nicely or will I have to blow this door down like some big, bad wolf?
Moreen	...Guys, I may have made a miscalculation.
Beatrix chops away at the doors. Her axe falls with ominous thuds until the inevitable happens. She tromps into the castle’s entryway, silhouetted against the sun.
Beatrix	Pathetic! Huddled in here like sheep during a storm! The One Cockring will be ours, and it will be lovingly secured for the rest of time! You—
Sasha creeps up to Beatrix as she’s monologuing. Very simply, with bare hands and not much finesse, Sasha reaches up and sharply claps Beatrix’s ears.
Beatrix	... Huh?... Wh-where am I ? Feels like the morning after a bender. Who are YOU??
Sasha	Sasha, Sasha-the-less-grey! You’ve not been yourself, but I think you’ve recalibrated now!
Beatrix	How embarrassing! My lord, can you forgive me? I’ve been a raging asshole today.
Beatrix	That ring, how it crawled into my head! If I’m not careful, I still...hear it. I don’t mean to be rude, but I think the sooner I get away from you the better!
You assure her this makes perfect sense and isn’t rude. One key thing before she and her kin turn back, though—you’d REALLY like to have Helen and Althea returned to you!
Beatrix	OF COURSE! Shit, I’m turning red, aren’t I? THAT’S how high my humiliation levels are. Orcs! Unhand the maidens! We’re taking the L today!
As Helen and Althea gallop toward you, you take solace in the fact that you can at last refocus on your mission of destroying the ring!

Part 8

Helen	The ODOUR of those orcs! Beatrix is by far the most well-washed of any of them.
Althea	It’s a blessing to be away from them but just HOW long have we been walking now??
Talia	The chafing from my leather pants makes me think it’s been at least A MONTH!
Althea	Hey, Moreen! How long would YOU guess it’s been?
Sasha	Moreen, are you feeling quite ok? You’ve not made a peep in hours.
Sasha’s tone causes you to scrutinize Moreen’s face. Her lips are pale and she seems to be concentrating on avoiding your gaze.
Sasha	Lad! Step away from her! The sickness of the ring has infected Moreen!
Moreen	Sasha is right!! I can’t control myself much longer! I’ve been trying but my will is slipping!
Gretta	My lord, I’ll restrain her! I can hold her in place here while the rest of you press forward.
Moreen	GIVE ME THE LORD’S COCK!!!!
Sasha	She’s deteriorating quickly, we MUST make a decision on what to do about her FAST!
Moreen	What ungrateful wenches you are, to want to rid the world of such a prized hog of an erection! Only I am fit to worship the cockring as it deserves!
Gretta	Wrong!! Only I should have that cock up in my guts!
Gretta, who a moment before had merely been restraining Moreen, has begun to try and choke her out! Talia sprints over and starts yanking on Gretta’s braids.
You yell at Helen and Althea to avoid the others and resist getting involved, but it’s no use. Exasperated, Sasha unleashes a potent soothing spell on the maidens.
Sasha	Your friends shouldn’t travel with you during this last leg of your journey! Continued proximity to your cockring will be too risky for them. In this state, they might sabotage the whole venture!
Sasha	I propose to ferry them back to your island while you carry on alone—oh, well, not entirely alone! I see that Nuka appears to have remained unaffected!

Part 9

Nuka	Weird, isn’t it? That of all the maidens, it’d be ME who made it this far with you? I’m not the strongest OR the bravest!
It doesn’t seem so random to you. After all, Nuka was just about the very first maiden you’d ever had sex with upon arriving to the island—and the one you’d been fucking the longest!
Her being impervious to the temptation of the cockring was only logical, when looked at from that angle.
Nuka	My lord! I think we’re here. Look at this place, this can’t be anywhere but Mount Drool!
You’d reached the summit of the volcanic mountain you’d spent so long climbing. You behold a castle with spires that was carved into the side of a black cliff.
Nuka	Only thing left for us to do is to go inside! Isn’t there supposed to be...a dragon?
You brace yourself for scales, fangs and flame but that isn’t what automatically greets you.
Dark Wizard	So, you made it, eh? You always were a tenacious prick and you still are—now, with 75% more of a literal tenacious prick! I’m more surprised to see sweet Nuka with you!
Dark Wizard	You’re looking as bodacious as ever, honey. What fortitude for a common Nature mage!
Nuka	Oh, FUCK RIGHT OFF!
Dark Wizard	Only if it’s onto your tasty titties!
Enough with this cringefest! Did the Dark Wizard want to properly fight, or would he rather pick on a young lady?
Dark Wizard	You really are CHRONICALLY annoying! You won’t get anywhere NEAR my dwarven woman! She’s the last of my A-team blacksmiths! She will only tell ME how to successfully wield the One Cockring!
Dark Wizard	And once I’ve got it, I’ll finally be a FUCK MACHINE!...Not that it’s necessary, of course. I please plenty of women just fine already!
Nuka	I’ll bet!
Dark Wizard	Is that sarcasm, missy? Let’s see how smart that mouth is after I turn your dreamy lord into a tater-tot! You expected a dragon?? Oh, I’ll SHOW you a dragon!

Part 10

Torel	Such SOOT! Who builds a castle next to an active volcano? The property value sure must suck. Anywho, thanks very much for the save!
You tell the dwarf that she’s very welcome; it’s good to know she can now return to her own life away from Mount Drool.
However, you admit that getting her from the clutches of the Dark Wizard wasn’t all selfless. You need her for some very specialized help!
Torel	Has it anything to do with that MONSTER in your pants? It IS true that dwarves are more skilled than most, but even we have our limits.
Torel	I wish it weren’t the case! I’d love to take credit for being the one who got that ring off you! But it won’t be me who completes THAT job!
Torel	What you’ll need is a divine deepthroat! Something beyond what mere mortals can fathom—something deeper than the deepest dwarven mines!
Torel	That, and some celestial crystals. And Romancing. Just a hunch!
Well, there’s your coveted answer to what precisely will separate you from the One Cockring! This epic adventure feels very concluded to you!
Nuka	...You sure?
Nuka looks at you meaningfully but that meaning is lost on you. Yes, you’re very sure!
Nuka	Even though things FEEL pretty wrapped up, there won’t be another scene right after this one?
Torel	This is the ACTUAL ending? There’s not, like...four more?
You haven’t the faintest clue what the women are on about!

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