Crystal Maidens scripts

Supernatural spoof

Intro/Part 1 - Before Map 1: Baston

Jean I expected my trip to the island to be brief—in and out, just to grab Sammy. But then I had a DIFFERENT kind of in and out and it was so good that four days have gone by with me barely noticing!
It was true; you’d found it remarkably easy to lose track of time with Jean Remington!
Jean I DID come here for a serious purpose, though!
Sammy A purpose beyond getting to SERIOUSLY CUM?
Jean You’re really basking in this opportunity to tease me, aren’t you?
You clear your throat loudly to cut the sisterly snarling short; if you let it run it’s course, it could go on all day.  So, WHAT was this serious purpose of Jean’s??
Jean Monsters. What else?! Freedonia has become the epicenter of monster activity!
Sammy And after 20 years without an incident, apparently. Something major is brewing! Jean doesn’t only need me, she needs help from every good fighter willing to give it!
You’ll meet the sisters at the crack of dawn the following day; you’ll journey with them into Freedonia and bring along other trustworthy maidens.
On your walk back to your chambers, you’re stopped by Talia.
Talia My lord, I have relevant information for you—especially since you’re about to go monster-hunting with the Remingtons tomorrow!
Talia As a hunter myself, I decided to heed an intuition I’ve been having. Lately, I started tracking some of our more—how shall I put it??—DEMONICALLY INCLINED maidens.
Talia I discovered that some of them are missing from the island! They’ve snuck off, without telling anyone else. It doesn’t sit right with me!
It doesn’t entirely sit right with you, either. It can’t be coincidental that just when numerous monsters are showing up in Freedonia, several monstrous women you know are gone from the island.
You won’t share this news just yet—especially not with Jean, who’s view of maidens with any abyssal past is pretty harsh. If it IS your girls terrorizing Freedonia, you’re determined to end their terror without killing them!
The next morning, you’re in Freedonia with both Remington sisters and Mercy.
Mercy It’s been too long since I’ve had a fight with a baddie that’s counted as cardio! Thanks for inviting me as part of your backup, my lord!
You start reconnaissance. It brings you to the Freedonian city of Baston, where there have been many reported ghost sightings.
Mercy I’ve seen this sigil repeatedly ever since we got here; spray painted onto walls, etched into utility poles... here it is again!
Jean Fuck. You know what this means, don’t you, Sammy?
Sammy Yes, unfortunately.
Well?? What WAS it?
Jean This sigil, it acts as an invocation—it summons the dead!!
Just then, you hear a rattling, wheezy laugh. It’s a reanimated skeleton!! And there’s a fleet of specters behind it!!

Part 2 - Before Map 3: Harpy’s nest

Mercy For guys with literally no meat on their bones—or ANY tangible body parts —that bunch sure didn’t go down easy!
Sammy The key thing is that they went down at all! I’ve been tuning into the police scanner and caught wind of something worthy.
Sammy It’s news coming out of Marizona; the people there are under siege by some giant raptor birds! We’ve got to move out quickly!
Jean Never fear, Beauty is here! I left her in a secluded spot before leaving Freedonia for the island.
Beauty—who’s that?
Jean Only the most beautiful lady on four wheels!
Sammy It’s the old family car—our parents patrolled for monsters in it. We did the same for a long time after they died. Jean’s been the one obsessed with it’s upkeep...
Jean Sammy has never appreciated Beauty the way she deserves—ah! There she is!!
Jean Mercy, My lord—before I put the key in the ignition and you experience Beauty to the full extent, you need to be made aware of the GROUND RULES.
Sammy Oh Gods, not this again—Jean, there are people DYING out there!
Jean There are TEN rules to follow while enjoying a ride in Beauty. But for now, it’s only necessary to know about ONE.
Jean Road trips can be long. We may make pit stops in dinky towns, with general stores. You may want a snack. I don’t care. Under NO circumstances are you to EAT in my car!
Jean One dollop of ketchup—ONE handprint of cheesy puff dust—and you’re a goner!
When you cross into Marizona, all thoughts of hunger are abandoned.
Harpies screech overhead and the town is tearing itself apart, with people fist-fighting in the streets!
Mercy My lord! Is this not familiar to us?? This has all the markings of Havoc , the maiden of war!!
You nod without saying anything; Mercy knows that you’d had the same thought as she did. You fling open Beauty’s door, on the passenger’s side where you’ve been sitting, and unflinchingly step outside.

Part 3 - After Map 3

Jean You’re insane! Great cock, no brain. You WON’T be killing this harpy whore?!
You’re resolved to not kill a single maiden of yours, if it can be avoided. And, in this case, with Havoc knocked out and not a threat anymore, it can most certainly be avoided!
Jean Do you hear yourself? Did all the harpy screeching give you tinnitus? Check out what this “non-threat” has done to this place!
Jean It’ll take these residents years to properly rebuild! Some have lost members of their families!
Is the solution to that to take yet another life? Would killing Havoc bring these peoples’ lost relatives back?
Jean No, but it might just give them a sense of JUSTICE! And that can help them move on and heal.
Jean My lord, HOW can I convince you?? The ONLY way we can be COMPLETELY sure that THINGS like Havoc don’t keep falling off the wagon is to END them.
Jean Every time you leave her alive, you give her another opportunity to be seduced by her dark side. It puts blood on YOUR hands as much as it does on Havoc’s talons!
Jean If you refuse to kill her, you’re as guilty as she is!
Sammy Jean, calm down! You’re loosing control.
Jean I’m the ONLY one making any sense! Screw this debating—I’m making the decision for us RIGHT NOW!
Jean turns and stalks over to where Havoc’s unconscious and tied up body lies. She unholsters a gun—not just any of her guns, but the Demon Slayer!
As she points it at Havoc’s head, you leap into action with a secret weapon! It’s something you slipped into your pocket the night before, after getting Talia’s news.
It’s a talisman, charmed by Sasha the Grey! It could be used to teleport anyone to or from anywhere. Just in the nick of time, you use it on Havoc to send her back home to the island!

Part 4 - Before Map 6: Haunted cemetery

Sammy It won’t be much longer til we hit Deathburg, that’s where the cemetery is that was last mentioned over the police scanner...
Mercy You’d think a place with a name like that would be nothing BUT cemeteries!
Sammy The problem there is teenagers.
Mercy Teens are a problem EVERYWHERE—so annoying, always making you feel old and out of touch...
Sammy It isn’t teens in general that are the problem—it’s murdered teens, specifically. All the victims so far in Deathburg have been teens, mostly all of them VIRGINS.
Sammy and Mercy have been doing most of the chatting the last few hours; Jean refuses to talk to you and you aren’t feeling so hot about her right now either.
When you reach Deathburg and stroll through the sizable cemetery, Jean sourly lags behind the rest of the group. It’s you and Sammy who identify the hallmarks of the ghost named Rose!
Mercy How could Rose just LEAVE her haunting grounds on the island? I thought she was bound there.
Jean What difference does it make HOW she did it? It’s not our job to try and UNDERSTAND her; we’re monster-hunters, not monster-THERAPISTS.
Jean She evidently should’ve been exorcised long ago. Still, better late than never! This is one spooky bitch I WILL be taking down properly!
With that, Jean breaks into a sprint and moves past you toward the heart of the cemetery.
Mercy I don’t see how you’ll stop her this time, my lord! I’m almost finding it hard to believe she’s totally misguided... there’s just been so much DEATH! Rose’s actions here are difficult to accept.
Mercy I’m sorry, My lord, but maybe you really CAN’T save them all! Perhaps you shouldn’t even IF you could.
Mercy has given into defeatism too easily! If she really doubts your ability to stop Jean again, even with the head start, then she’s REALLY fallen behind on the quality of your recent power gains!
A pair of Celestial wings grow out of your back and you take to the skies!
You scan the ground until you lock onto the running figure of Jean. You cruise lower until you’re flying directly over her. Your shadow blankets her and she slows, nearly trips, and looks up while panting.
Jean Well, that’s unexpected!
You’ll do everything you’re capable of to rescue Rose from her! If she’s truly against that, she might as well try to shoot you down this instant!
Jean gets a fierce look, but falters. Triumphantly, you sail away from her and get to Rose first—who’s a little weepy.
Rose Oh, my lord! I’m being SO TERRIBLE again! It’s such a mess... but I’m too weak to fight it, my NATURE is taking over!
Observing Rose, you don’t believe that’s the case! This isn’t just Rose falling prey once more to her own baser tendencies, there is some kind of SPELL that she is under!
It’s no feeble one, either. Havoc was likely under it too. And each of the maidens who’d gone missing from the island.
You use Sasha’s talisman again, delivering Rose back home where she can be monitored by the likes of Talia!

Part 5 - Before Map 7

You coast above the freeways, scouring them for any sign of Beauty. After you teleported Rose, Jean vaulted into her car and pealed out of the cemetery—ditching Mercy and her sister in the process!
You assured them that you could track her down faster on your own, if you continued flying. You urged them to stick together; you’d regroup and give them updates as soon as you had any.
Jean HEY!! GLORIFIED PIGEON!!
Jean was pulled over on the shoulder of the road! But who were those other people with her??
While you’re scrutinizing their faces, a glint of sun flashing against the steel of Jean’s drawn gun yanks your focus back to her.
Jean I choked before—but not this time!!
Jean actually SHOOTS you!! Sure, you’d told her to go and ahead and do it earlier but now that she’ s done it, you’re a little offended! Fuck, it so hurts bad! Why?
You then remember that it was the very special Demon Slayer she hit you with, an occultist weapon not easily compared. This is your last complete thought before going into free fall!
Jean approaches your fallen body and the strange people approach with her, surrounding you as you sprawl out on the hot pavement.
Jean I went rogue because you gave me no choice! I’ve looked through all my contacts and found other, suitable backup. I’ll finish cleaning up Freedonia with THESE hunters!
Jean I can’t be expected to work with a saboteur. If you INSIST on ferrying your evil maidens back to safety, you’ll have to go through me AND my new team!

Part 6 - After Map 7

Sammy BACK OFF, JEAN!
Jean Sammy?? How are you and Mercy here? I left you two with no car!
Mercy We used a little thing called PUBLIC TRANSIT! Did it suck? YES. Did it get the job done? YES!
Sammy We’re in the beginning stages of repairing our relationship, Jean, and THIS is what you do ?? Is—wait, my lord, is that blood?
Jean I may have shot him a bit, it’s fine.
Sammy You SHOT him?? For fuck’s sake, who AREN’T you shooting these days?? Will you shoot me next?
Jean If you keep whining!!
You attempt to tell them that your wound is already sealing itself; you fished the bullet out and your Celestial side has proven its mighty usefulness yet again! However, the dramatic entrance of a new character pushes you aside!
She swoops in on wings larger than your own; as she touches down, a cloud of dust is swirled up by her.
Estel Girls, cut it out. Immediately! You have more than enough fighting to do without adding in-fighting to your plate.
Sammy Estel???! You’re... in Freedonia? Since when?
Estel A while. I’ve been trying to puzzle out the uptick in monster activity, just like you—only, I kept it a secret.
Sammy WHY, you wacko??
Estel You know perfectly well why I decided it would be best if we parted ways. It was unfair of me to stay by your side just because I was very fond of you both. You were safer without me!
Jean SURE, we were MUCH safer after being deprived the presence of an ANGEL!
Estel In the long term, yes. Also, this still counts as in-fighting! I’m terribly sorry, but I wouldn’t have revealed myself to you again if the situation weren’t expressly dire.
Jean So, you’ve heard all about how this LORD over here is refusing to kill the monsters responsible for all this damage!
Estel Quite the opposite, actually. This man’s stance has been mostly correct.
Jean ... Maybe you really SHOULD’VE stayed away, Estel.
Estel Your life experience has made it hard for you to see anything other than black or white, Jean.
Estel Contrary to your assertion, this lord’s continued involvement with these darker maidens has probably REDUCED the number of people they’ve hurt over time. He is a stabilizing force.
Estel Their present behaviours and the consequences aren’t totally their fault—something else is at work, pushing them toward their killer instincts. A kind of spell, perhaps.
You KNEW it!!
Estel It’s become our duty to discover what this spell is and we need to do it TOGETHER!

Part 7 - Before Map 9: Vampire’s Lodge.

Jean Ow! I stubbed my toe... this is much more than overcast, it’s nearly pitch-black around here!
Estel That’s because this whole area has become the dominion of a vampiress.
You could take a guess as to who this vampiress was—Belladonna!
Mercy I can just make out the shape of a coffin... yes, that’s it, right there! She might be in there right now, we could ambush her in her sleep!
Belladonna Aha! I THOUGHT I smelled living blood! The nose really knows!
You speak to Belladonna soothingly, explaining that you’re always ready to forgive and you don’t expect anyone to be perfect.
Belladonna You spew shit like a clogged drain!! I don’t want that life you describe anymore—that was never the REAL me!
Belladonna And even YOU could never forgive THIS!!
In the blink of an eye, Belladonna teleports from where she’s standing to right beside Jean.
Belladonna Night-night, cutie!
The vampire’s porcelain hands fly up and she fatally snaps Jeans’ neck. Jean drops like a sack of potatoes and you cry out in shock and horror.
But when you turn to Sammy and Estel, you see Sammy roll her eyes!
Sammy It’s ok, my lord. Jean’s kinda prone to dying... We can just bring her back again!
Estel ... This’ll be, what? The 12th time?
Belladonna I kill your fucking SISTER and this is the reaction I get?? Do you not appreciate the gravity of what I just—you know what? Never mind!
Belladonna I’m gonna drink your blood from your broken skulls as if they were CHALICES!!
You heave a sigh, telling Belladonna that you both know you’ll wind up winning again in another battle with her. Here comes another spin on the hamster wheel!!

Part 8 - Before Map 12: Devil’s Den

Mercy How’re you holding up after Estel’s resurrection’s ritual, Jean?
Jean Apart from the crick in my neck, I’m fine—being resurrected has sort of become like brushing my teeth.
Sammy You better look over here, then. Here’s something you DON’T actually see every day!
The road under your feet breaks off suddenly, in a jagged ridge. It’s as if a bomb had been dropped and blown a massive crater in the earth.
At the center of this chasm is a large, sinister orb of black energy. Purple sparks crack and fizzle all across it.
Sammy This is some serious abyssal energy source. Estel, what do you think? ... Estel?? She was right beside me a second ago, she—
You look several feet behind you and there Estel is—but she’s banging her fists against what looks like nothing at all.
She was blocked off from you somehow, an invisible wall had come down between you!
Lilith Oh, it’s been SO VERY long since you’ve warmed your side of the marital bed!! And when the cat is away, the mice will play!
Gods DAMN this HAMSTER WHEEL!!
Lilith If you wanted me to heel, you shouldn’t have kept RUNNING AROUND with so many other girls!
Lilith I never imagined YOU’D be the one to bring the ANGEL right to me! I was prepared for her to sniff me out soon enough on her own.
Lilith This pretty, shiny orb was a trap made just for her! I had to nullify her extraordinary Celestial powers, particularly her pesky ability to turn into the Spirit of the Seraphim.
Lilith That little twat becomes a titan of Celestial light that can conjure angelic subordinates to her side. I DEFINITELY don’t want her to have the mighty morphin’ time to manage THAT!
Doesn’t Lilith ever get TIRED of all the conspiring??
Lilith There’s no rest for the wicked, baby—you know that! Then again, shouldn’t I know that you’re ALWAYS the one to interfere with my best-laid plans?
Lilith is aware of the breadth of control you can exert over her; you don’t mean to flex, but you could bind her soul in an instant. Where does she honestly think this will lead?
Lilith Your Celestial powers are nullified now too; the orb has zapped you as much as it has zapped Estel. I’ve spared no detail!
Lilith I accomplished this by using my IMPECCABLE powers of persuasion to lure the monstrous ladies who you thought you tamed to Freedonia, to lay waste to it. This diversion was loud enough to make my work on the orb go undetected!
Lilith Now, at long last, I may be fully free of you and your influence over me!!

Part 9 - After Map 12

Estel COWER BEFORE ME, VILE DEMON!
As you and Lilith brawl, Estel materializes between you both, accompanied by an explosive light; you’re both sent careening in opposite directions!
Lilith tries to crawl away but it becomes more and more of an effort; she drops to the ground entirely and stops moving altogether.
Estel She’s paralyzed for now—quickly, use that talisman you have to send her back to your island!
You will! But how did Estel break through the invisible barrier??
Estel While you were fighting, Jean had enough time to find and destroy the sigils that had been keeping me out. Speaking of Jean, here she comes now!
Jean Lilith’s gone, the Lord is still breathing... I suppose that constitutes a happy ending! But the problem remains—the lord’s kingdom is a house of cards!
Jean The only measure you have, this whole thing with binding souls and wills, is too wishy-washy! It’ll fall apart again like it did this time.
Estel Jean, remember your all-or-nothing bias. There are greater enemies out there besides the lord’s troubled girls!
Estel I’m going to the island to make sure the maidens we fought in Freedonia genuinely recover from Lilith’s bewitchment and that future red flags aren’t missed.
Jean If that’s so, I’ll have to go for an extended stay too! Where else would I go, with my sister and my best friend being there?
Jean It’s an island that’s half occupied by monsters and it WILL need to be purged someday! When that day comes, I want to be there!

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