Does your project need a wordsmith?
I’m Kelly, and I bring originality, enthusiasm, versatility, a spirit of inquiry and knowledge across a variety of subjects!
I got my professional start as a freelance writer composing cheeky, pun-filled repartee for an adult-themed mobile game. Since 2022, I’ve strived to get published as often as possible, with vivid and offbeat ideas, on as many different online platforms as possible (all while working as a social media manager).
The pieces showcased in my portfolio are the best examples of what I have to offer: a world of wit, whimsy and weirdness!
Testimonials
Humour Writing
Always memorable and unconventional, my humour writing was inspired by everything from centuries-old folkloric beings to the far more unsettling creatures of the current zeitgeist. Whether focusing on news pundits’ wardrobes, Disney adults, or people who leave their Christmas decor up until well after spring, I infused my comedy and satire with absurdism, surprising details and laugh-out-loud descriptions.
I’m The Child Who Made That Shein Dress You Ordered, And I Think You’ll Look Great!
EXCERPT
When some of the other girls and I could steal a minute or two for ourselves, we’d hide out by one of the corridors or stairways that were usually blocked by boxes, crates and heaps of fabric, and we’d imagine the kind of aughties hottie who would wear such a dress! Oh, how wonderfully such daydreams distracted us from thoughts of what would happen if a fire broke out in the building!
My little brother also gets to have a job, but it’s at a glass factory and it isn’t nearly as interesting to imagine what kinds of people get what kinds of glass. I really am lucky! Believe it or not, there’s even a chance that I’ll come across your exact, specific dress again someday in the near future — there’s no telling what one will find in the landfills!
History-making Total Solar Eclipse Was a Flop in the Eyes of Impatient Gen Alpha
EXCERPT
“They told me to stop simping for the eclipse,” frowns Morin. “Apart from being cruel, it didn’t even make any sense. My sons are my sons, and I love them, of course, but it won’t surprise you to hear I was disappointed. The bullying was a secondary issue, to be honest. What hurt most was the complete lack of patience for this once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon. The lack of reverence! A live streamer on Kick who licks toilet seats in public restrooms for money can hold their attention longer than an astronomical wonder that won’t be visible in our province again until 2106!”
“According to the twins, many of their schoolmates had similar opinions,” adds Noémie. “Totality was bussin’, but on the whole, the eclipse was too drawn-out.”
“What Am I, Chopped Liver?”, Anthropomorphic Chopped Liver Asks His Estranged Wife
EXCERPT
When you married me, you married a whole package. Even during the honeymoon phase, when I could do no wrong, you were never kept in the dark about my bad sides. We trusted each other with our secrets and shared the uglier truths about ourselves. You told me about your father’s gambling addiction—about how he didn’t make it to your Junior National Livestock show when you were in the 4-H club because he was slumped over the slots. It broke your heart, and I have never forgotten!
You had a beautiful, beautiful cow that year, and when your mom finally tracked your dad down, he collapsed in tears and admitted to not changing his underpants for five days. In exchange, you learned I was full of cholesterol and saturated fats. You decided to accept me and continue being my wife anyway.
I, Your Welsh Horse Skeleton Girlfriend, Regret Accepting Your Invitation to the Family Christmas Function
EXCERPT
Yes, it’s that bad! Would I be speaking at this pitch if it weren’t? I’ve been all alone for the past hour, meeting strangers for the first time, doing my best to make a good impression! Did it not occur to you that I might require a little assistance?? Introducing myself?? Imagine the number of times I’ve been asked how to spell my name. Guess how tired I am of telling people, “Well, yes, it’s spelled L-W-Y-D but it sounds like LLOYD”! I even had someone say to me, “Lloyd like from Dumb and Dumber?” And I agreed. My beautiful name, compared to Dumb and Dumber!
Huh, is that so?? Is the full name of Jim Carrey’s character in that movie Lloyd Christmas??? Am I supposed to be amused by that??? What a HILARIOUS coincidence!!! You’re really loving this, aren’t you?
Creative Fiction and Nonfiction
My talent for carving fun, distinct characters, building satisfying narratives and concocting twists is evident in my fiction samples. The individuals who populate my stories—whether human, mermaid or avian—are charming, wacky, and sometimes ridiculous. My non-fiction is informational while being entertaining and accessible. Despite its light-heartedness, my storytelling contains cultural commentary and an exploration of hot-button issues.
Sonnets for Senior Sirens
EXCERPT
“And how about that teacher we had? The octopus?” adds Sab. “The one with the big head. Wasn’t he so weirdly touchy-feely with the female students?”
“Ugh,” I groan. “He was gross. If his class wasn’t enough to fill your gills with bile, all the trident talk among the guys in our grade certainly was! They were forever comparing them—”Well, mine is longer than yours!”, “Yeah, but mine has sharper prongs!” I swear, they were obsessed. I’d never thought about mermen’s tridents half as often as the mermen themselves did. Countless methods for successfully catching fish, but they really made their tridents the be-all and end-all! Made a manatee out of a mollusk!”
The Goose, the Karen and the Catchpole
EXCERPT
Mother Goose was the theme of this month’s Story Hour. Ergo, sir, there was a goose! I was to read nursery rhymes aloud to the children — The Cat and the Fiddle, Mary Mary Quite Contrary. All the hits. The goose would join me as a companion. I arranged for him and me to have matching bonnets; I made Esperanza find a good one for Sneezewort online and order it. It came from a shop for small dog costumes, but the sizes worked for geese, too. The circumference of a goose’s head isn’t very different from a Schipperke. That was my estimation, anyway. Children are excited by the sight of live animals. It was supposed to be a special surprise! I thought Sneezewort would follow me into the Tulip Room and hunker down beside my chair while I read. Maybe he’d waddle around and explore a little. Maybe the children could pet him gently. Things did not go according to plan, obviously.
Con Men: Scams of Future Past
EXCERPT
By and large, Holmes was in a category of his own. I mean, he was a murderer, but even when focusing exclusively on his scamming you realize he was unique among the human turds. Like these other people whose names I’ve thrown around, he was devoid of a conscience and driven by money, but he was more than a stupid, greedy opportunist.
He was a rather clever, greedy opportunist.
His résumé is a blast, if you can stomach a smidgeon of child-killing. His grifter story is full of ploys, outcomes, and tight squeezes so implausible, elaborate, and perfectly ironic that it feels like prestige television. In contrast, the achievements and imaginations of conservative bandwagon jumpers and Redpill podcasters seem small and dull.
Reviews and analyses
I can produce deep dives on obscure gems and very well-known pieces of media with confidence. Thanks to an extensive list of interests, I have a love for guilty pleasures and highbrow fare. I'm familiar with prestige TV, sitcoms, reality shows, foreign films and Hollywood blockbusters. With a focus on either an iconic manga or a nearly forgotten yet remarkable novel, I'm capable of providing intelligent insight into possible authorial intent, examining influences and articulating the impact the art made upon me.
A Fountain of Blood in the Shape of a Girl: The Kaleidoscopic Themes of Junji Ito’s Tomie
EXCERPT
The trio of child-aged Tomies meeting each other for the first time is also great. The face-off, as a gale wind tosses the treetops to and fro, is stupidly dramatic. Imagining a townsperson, who’s not at all clued into what’s going on, simply stumbling across the tense staring competition is endlessly amusing. It would be like seeing the finale of The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, but Clint Eastwood had his hair in pigtails.
The Girl in a Swing Is the Best Ghost Story You’ve Never Read
EXCERPT
The dark secret of the plot is alluded to incessantly, and it’s so satisfying in retrospect. The calculated accumulation of signs functions—ironically, as you’ll see—like a leaky faucet; it’s a steady, increasingly maddening drip-drip-drip of information. Such drips on a rock, over a long enough period, will erode it—will bore a hole right through the stone. And that is how the haunting in Girl feels; it’s a gradual, inevitable erosion. The spectre is a hole forming and widening in the world of our main characters— taking its time to do so but indisputably doing so.
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Crystal Maidens Scripts
Crystal Maidens was a sex-centric RPG published by Nutaku and geared to a male demographic. It was often self-referential and had an irreverent tone. I was brought on specifically for my prowess with comedic dialogue and pop culture knowledge.
The game’s protagonist, who was quite a Gary Stu, remained nameless and faceless to better serve as a stand-in for players. His (your) goal was to save an island full of magical maidens from the tyranny of a dark wizard—and, of course, to have some fun while doing it.
One of my responsibilities included producing special monthly events spoofing popular media franchises.
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Crystal Maidens had two types of stories: Romances and Events, each told from the male protagonist's point of view.
Romances were the primary draw, wherein players would meet and seduce maidens in four stages. Events had a less strict formula; they involved longer, somewhat more elaborate narratives. They served to introduce new characters and add to the game's overall lore. Events focused less on explicit sex and more on adventure, with blue language and NSFW gags still sprinkled throughout.
As previously mentioned, Events were spoofs of popular IPs. They were usually ones we knew our base of players were fans of and would appreciate callbacks to and references from.
Script dialogue was written in a text box format, allowing devs to plug it into the game more simply.
Lord Of The Rings
EXCERPT
Helen: Yes, my lord! I feel it too—eyes on us!
Nuka swallows a mouthful of ale—she was the only one who actually ordered a drink; everyone else was too preoccupied to even consider it.
Breezily, as though utterly unconcerned about stealth, Nuka literally points at the table against the wall where you feel the eyes are coming from.
Nuka: There’s a pretty strange woman over there sitting all by herself—think it’s her?
Althea: Nuka!!! You silly kumquat, what are you doing????
Helen: Gods damn it, DON’T POINT! You’re gonna get us all KILLED.
Nuka: You guys all sound like you need A DRINK!
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Mad Max
EXCERPT
Charlize: Take my hand if you want to live!
You and the maidens spend only a second exchanging glances before you dive into the woman’s car. She slams her foot on the gas and tears out of the town so fast that you and the maidens jolt backward, falling into each other like bowling pins. You know better than to ask if the vehicle has any seat belts!
Brooke: You drive like a madwoman!!
Charlize: They don’t call me “Crazy” Charlize Miller for nothing. Would you rather I pull up this instant and kick you all out??
Brooke: No, ma’am!!
Charlize: That’s what I THOUGHT. Now, I don’t care to hear anything else from the peanut gallery unless it’s “THANK YOU FOR SAVING US FROM PROBABLE CANNIBALISM, CHARLIZE”!
Supernatural
EXCERPT
Sammy: It won’t be much longer til we hit Deathburg, that’s where the cemetery is that was last mentioned over the police scanner...
Mercy: You’d think a place with a name like that would be nothing BUT cemeteries!
Sammy: The problem there is teenagers.
Mercy: Teens are a problem EVERYWHERE—so annoying, always making you feel old and out of touch...
Sammy: It isn’t teens in general that are the problem—it’s murdered teens, specifically. All the victims so far in Deathburg have been teens, mostly all of them VIRGINS.
Mortal Kombat
EXCERPT
Akira: I may not be a goddess anymore but I do still possess thousands of years of knowledge and the experience to back it up. You believed in me enough to join Team Terra and you should believe in me now! I have to try SOMETHING.
Akira: If we must go through with our match, one of us MUST die. You’re being watched with great suspicion now and you risk everything if you “go easy” on me.
You refuse to ever kill Akira!
Akira: Are you the most stupid man alive????
Quite possibly. But your conscience would never allow you to kill Akira; it would be wrong.
Contact Me
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